How I Turned Suicidal Thoughts Driven by Stuttering Into a Life of Fluency and Joy

Overcoming stuttering is not just about speech, it is about reclaiming your voice, your confidence and your future. For many years, my stutter shaped every corner of my life, from courtrooms to family dinners, until I discovered that the mind can be retrained just like any other part of the body. This is my personal story of how I moved from the darkest moments a person can face to a life where I now love to speak under pressure. If you are searching for a real path on how to stop stuttering, or you are exploring get support from a coach who stopped stuttering for the first time, I hope my journey shows you what is possible.

A Fear That Many People Who Stutter Carry Quietly

Today, I will talk about a topic, a fear, that I once had and that many PWS have which is driven by stuttering: That topic is suicide. As shocking as that word is, most severe stutterers suffer such thoughts, sometimes seemingly endlessly. I'll comment on the ways by which I long ago converted such ghastly thoughts into positives.

A psychiatrist once told me that most people have occasional thoughts of suicide. Think of that! I was 25 or so at the time and very depressed, and I mentioned that suicide-thoughts had passed through my mind. Anyway, the psychiatrist maintained that such OCCASIONAL thoughts are fairly common to most humans and didn't mark me as inferior or as destined for failure or anything else terribly negative. Such thoughts simply served as a caution light, warning us that we need to make changes in our thinking, which we can do.

So, if you, too, have had such thoughts, you (and I) are not alone!

You Are Not Alone in These Thoughts

Actually, and happily, less than 1% of the world population commits suicide. The other 99% seem to have acceptable to very positive lives. So, there is hope, even for little old you (and me). So, if we have had suicidal thoughts, we are not freaks, and we're not destined to failure. Most of us are within normal range on most subjects. Fears of being inferior can be manifested in ulcers, migraines and an endless list of ailments, including stuttering for some. So, we can slip into an abnormal group like stuttering here and there, but we don't have to stay there.

If I've learned anything about life, it is that most of us are very much alike; in fact, we're more alike than we are different. We tend to think that we are inferior, but most of us are within normal range in most ways and are fully capable of having substantially happy lives.

Another way to say it is that most people have sometimes have thoughts similar to your worst thoughts. That doesn't make bad thoughts good, of course, nor does it reduce the need to resist, to reject and to replace bad thoughts with good ones. All that it proves is that you are not alone; your worst feelings have likely been felt, to some noteworthy degree, by most other people. So what? To improve yourself and your life, you need to stop bashing yourself 24/7 for being inferior. You're just not.

Why Controlling Your Thoughts Matters More Than Anything Else

However, since it is "normal" to think that you are inferior, at least in some significant ways, just as the psychiatrist once told me, it is "normal" to have suicidal thoughts (and lots of other very negative thoughts).

So what? My point is that, to have the best life that each of us can have, we MUST work hard every day, all day, to control our thoughts, and teach ourselves to dictate what we think. This is a life-saving mandate, and it applies first and foremost to suicidal thoughts. To explain why I believe this and urge you to believe it, I'll tell you a story about myself. This is where the neuroscience method later became central to how I rebuilt my speech and my mind.

The Day My Stuttering Began

In my pre-teen years, I had been the best speaker in my class, even winning several public speaking competitions. Then, one day, at age 15, I was called upon to read aloud in class. For some inexplicable reason, I was nervous, and I stumbled on one word. The class laughed. I was instantly humiliated. I then stuttered on more words, and the class roared with laughter. After a few minutes of struggling to speak, the professor rescued me by calling on someone else to read, but my stuttering days had officially begun. I came late to the stuttering world, as most begin before age 7, the next most by age 12, then in the teens. I have only known one Beginning Stutterer over age 19; he was 25.

Anyway, by the time that I was in law school at night, I was married with two kids, and I was employed full-time as well. I would stutter in very unpredictable and rare occasions, but they were so severe as to make me wish to be dead.

The Courtroom That Broke Me

Upon graduation from law school, the first case that I tried in court was to defend someone who had robbed a store and was caught with the merchandise and his gun not far from the store. The only thing worse for him than the evidence against him was the fact that I was his lawyer. When I attempted to try that case in court, there were 100 or so others in the courtroom waiting to hear other cases. My father, an outstanding lawyer, was also present. I was in a state of abject panic.

I began to sweat profusely. As perspiration streamed down my face, I rose to address the judge. I began, "Good morning your Honor, my name is L-l-l-l-l." I could not say my name, the defendant's name or much of anything else. The judge had to complete my sentences for me. My mind almost blacked out. I cannot now remember what happened exactly. I was dizzy and stumbling about, repeating words, blocking words, going silent, staring hopelessly in all directions. By the time that the case was over, I was soaking wet head-to-toe and exhausted. I left the courtroom totally humiliated. I drove home with my father. Neither one of us said one word. I retreated into hiding for some time.

I realized that my law career might well be over, before it had really begun. Being married with kids and broke, the prospect of having no career and no way to support my wife and kids terrified me. I couldn't sleep at night. Throughout the day, I kept thinking about my stuttering; just those thoughts made me sweat literally.

The Moment on the Bridge

A few weeks later, at my lowest point, while doing my daily eight-mile run, I ran across a bridge that was several hundred feet above the Chesapeake River (which separates Virginia from Washington, D.C.) As I crossed the bridge, I stopped, and climbed up intending to jump and stood upon the two-foot wide railing and stared abjectly into the river with its threatening rock outcroppings some 200 feet below. I then contemplated jumping, suicide.

As I stood on that railing, wobbling increasingly from fear, I thought about my wife and my kids. What would they say? What would they think? How would they explain my suicide and their plight to others? How would they take care of themselves? What shame and loss would my parents feel. Tears flooded my eyes until I could not see. I began trembling, wobbling from head-to-toe. As I teetered on the railing, minutes passed. Some passing cars honked violently at me, breaking my spell.

Unable to leap, I climbed down and leaned against the railing for some time, exhausted, reflecting on my predicament. No matter how desperate I was, I could not, NO, I could not abandon my wife and kids; I just couldn't do it. I couldn't leave them such a memory, such an example, of such a failure, such a quitter, such a gutless soul. I just couldn't do that to them.

The Realization That Changed Everything

I realized then life's biggest message. It is this: We have NO CHOICE save to face our problems and find a way to deal with them, even debilitating stuttering.

I then went to a psychiatrist for help. He told me that he knew of no cure for stuttering, BUT he recommended that I learn SELF-hypnosis. He recommended a short book on the subject, "Practical Guide to Self-Hypnosis" by Melvin Powers. I read it over and over and over. It remains on my desk to this day and extra copies on my shelves to give to others.

Discovering Mind Training

I began giving myself what I call "mind training treatments". They were 20 minutes each, one before bed and one on arising. I also did these "treatments" as often during the day as I then needed. Throughout the day, as negative speech thoughts attacked me, I did my best to drown them in a flood of contrary, positive affirmations. Even when my mind was idle, I began repeating my positive speech-affirmations. Later, I used this method to attack all manner of other negative thoughts, and I still do so to this day.

Each treatment consisted primarily of repetition of affirmations, affirmations of words that, when repeated enough, trained my mind to think what I wished to think about speaking (and other things, in time). The human mind thinks one thing at a time. When we think anything enough, it becomes an habitual thought. My goal was to replace my habitual stuttering thoughts, which were increasing, with fluency thoughts. I gradually blocked stuttering thoughts. Very slowly, I began to replace stutter-fears with fluency-convictions. I reversed the Stutter Snowball; I replaced it with a Fluency Snowball. It began working. As I did this, I stumbled on things that I could do (our Methods, our Crutches) that made it easier to re-program my mind.

The Affirmation That Rewired My Speech

My favorite affirmation then was "I love to speak under pressure." I stressed the word "love". Secondarily, I stressed "pressure". Over and over and over again, I repeated those words. This one affirmation may well have been the only one that I needed, IF I could make my dominant, my only speech-thought under pressure.

As I did so, I slowly began to speak better under pressure. I slowly began to accept my own words. Unbelievably, I began to enjoy speaking under pressure. Even when speaking under pressure, I slowly taught myself to think my message and HOW to say my message with more feeling, more conviction, more animation, more passion, more love.

Slowly, ever so slowly, my mind grew to love to speak under pressure, and, to this day, it still does. I DO love to speak, especially under maximum pressure. I have become very good at it. Many people have lauded my speech to me. I won't grade the quality of my speech, but I can say that have not had a fear-related stutter in over half a century.

What We Love, We Do Well

What we love to do, what we do well, and what we do well, we love to do. To this day, both apply to me. Teach yourself to LOVE what you do, and you shall do it well. Also teach yourself that what you do WELL, you should and will love to do. Love equals excellence, and excellence is lovable.

At this late date, I cannot believe that I EVER stood on the railing of a bridge, some 200 feet over a river full of deadly rock outcroppings and seriously contemplated jumping to my death, but I am ashamed to confess that I did do precisely that. Life is full of endless opportunities; the more that we work at them, the happier we are.

Now, my self-imposed brief thoughts of suicide passed so long ago, and I grew to treasure life, and my endless opportunities to keep improving.

The Book That Was Born From This Story

It was my son, Dean, who innocently said to me one day, "Dad, why don't write a book about your battle with stuttering?" While Dean had never heard me stutter more than the level of most fluent speakers, I had told him my story. His words haunted me. I had already written some other books, such as, "Happiness in 7 Steps" and "The Watergate Rhymes" and "Words You Need to Know", all were NOT related to stuttering. I then began my series of speech-related books.

Stuttering has been a long and tortured journey for me, beginning in my teens and ending around age 30, but fears lingered another ten years. Still, it is the obstacles that we overcome that become the best parts of our lives. Like the broken bone that becomes strongest at the point of the break, as we beat stuttering and all speech fears, we grow to love speaking.

Choosing Life, Choosing Growth

Contemplating suicide was obviously a coward's solution! And it was totally unnecessary, because there were and are ways to overcome stuttering and to even become good speakers, and to build character, and to make us and our lives something special. Virtually all of us can do it.

Suicide is, of course, much worse than nonsense; it is cowardice. It is throwing away the precious gift of life. No matter how "average" we may be, we can carve decades of joy out of our lives. The more that we try to do our best, the more that we love our mates, and the more that we use mind-training to dictate our thoughts, the faster we shall overcome most of our problems, including stuttering.

So, once and for all, I saw stuttering as foolish thinking, and I rejected it forevermore.

Look for the Silver Lining

As most know, I have taught myself to love to read aloud and do it with maximum passion. So, I will end these remarks by reading aloud a song that is precious to me. It was featured in several Broadway musicals and made a hit by multiple great singers, including the much-loved Judy Garland. It was written by Jerome Kern and B.G. DeSylva, two of the best known song-writers of the 1940's and 1950's. It's title is "Look for the Silver Lining" and here are its priceless words:

Look for the Silver Lining

"Please don't be offended if I preach to you awhile

Tears are out of place in eyes that were meant to smile

There's a way to make your biggest troubles small

Here's the happy secret of it all

Look for the silver lining

Whene'er a cloud appears in the blue

Remember, somewhere the sun is shining

And so the right thing to do

Is make it shine for you

A heart full of joy and gladness

Will always banish sadness and strife

So always look for the silver lining

And try to find the sunny side of life

As I wash my dishes, I'll be following your plan

Till I see the brightness in ev'ry pot and pan

I am sure your point of view will ease the daily grind

So I'll keep repeating in my mind

Look for the silver lining

Whene'er a cloud appears in the blue

Remember, somewhere the sun is shining

And so the right thing to do

Is make it shine for you

Thank you for lending me your ears"

Final Word

If you are reading this while carrying the same weight I once carried, please hear me clearly. Overcoming stuttering is possible, and it starts the moment you decide to train your mind toward hope instead of fear. My story is not unique in its darkness, but the way out is available to everyone. Every affirmation you repeat, every fluency-thought you plant, every moment you choose to keep going is a step toward a life you have not yet imagined. Your voice matters. Your words matter. Your future matters. And the road to overcoming stuttering begins with the single, powerful decision to look for your own silver lining.